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Why are colds so adept at making us feel crappy. I wish they would develop a failsafe cold cure, even if it's like.. a bullet to the face *laughs*

So this is my first blog in a very very long time, I fell out of the habit a while ago. Hopefully I can maintain this one.

Recently I've had a bit of a crisis, and as with most crises, it's about my beliefs. I hang around a lot of very religious folk, and I have to admit, the feeling is infectious.. But I'm worried about the price I might have to pay in order to become one of them...

For example, I was chatting to my friend Nick the other day about demonology, and he mentioned a demon's name and I swear I felt it come into the room [I had been totally clean that day, no drugs, alcohol, caffiene or pain medication] and wrap its arms around my whole body, I went totally numb, my body felt like it was made of lead, I couldn't move and my head felt like it was being pulled off my shoulders. Sideways. I think I passed out and when I woke up I had a massive, purple and green blue bruise right in the middle of my chest.

To be quite honest I have no idea what to make of the experience. I have always believed in that side of things (ghosts, angels and demons, etcetera), but that was just wierd, and afterwards I was lying in bed, curled up and crying and shaking with terror, with cold gelatinous hand withering my spine. I could feel something watching, something of infinite light and power and my whole body and soul screamed out in protest at this being's presence.

I'm positive that if I was to join a cosmic battle I would be on the side of the black and broken ones - according to Nick and other people I'm close to it was a demonic possession and I have to be 'saved'.

But I think if that's the case... I don't want to be saved. I think that's the root of it. I invited these things into my body because I feel safer with them there; I don't think I've known how to be without them for most of my life, if that makes sense...

I feel like they're with me because I asked to not be alone anymore. I'm terrified of going back to the way I was before all this happened.


I know that they make me do things that are bad for me, but people do things like that anyway, demon-encrusted or not. For some people it's alcohol, for some people it's drugs, for other's it's self harm and things like that.

But I'm getting off topic.

I'm really not sure I want to be one of those people copping out of blame by being "absolved" of "sin", or by blaming the bad things that people do or have happen to them or think on demons. I mean, I have no real problems, not compared to some people I know, and yet I can't help feeling like I'm the most pathetic creature alive. I can't blame that on a 'demon'.

Even the concept of demonology is disputed in my mind. Just like I believe that people simply cannot be unutterably good in every aspect, the same goes for supposed creatures of evil and the Spawn of Satan.

An interesting story about Lucifer - it means 'bringer of light'. How can something that brings light be awful? He was cast out of heaven because he didn't obey the dictatorship of god. How is casting off a mantle of control a bad thing? He was simply the 'rebellious teen' of the cosmos, as it were. Personally I commend him for that... but some people would call me a Satanist for saying that.

To me satanism and christianity are essentially the same thing, except Christanity has killed more people in the name of god.

Christianity is such a bastard religion. But I think that's a subject for a different rant.

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